Well one of my 'many' gigs from hell would have to be with Wrathchild circa '85 I think, and somewhere in Middlesbrough, but don't hold me to that. The stage was a bit small so the guys in the crew set about adding some tables and stuff to build out the stage. Meanwhile me and Lance had worked out some moves for the intro to 'Cock Rock Shock' backstage. We planned to take a 'godlike' stride forward on every four beats to the intro so that by the time the drums kicked off, with a maelstrom accompaniment of pyro, we'd be level with the front of the stage, gazing down on our subjects, winking at each other and pulling poses that Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley could only have dreamed of!

Trouble was, the tables didn't quite fit into each other and some bright spark had laid a bit of black cardboard over the gaps which all happened to be on my side of the stage. I only managed about two godlike strides when the whole of my left leg disappeared down one of the holes. The stage was about crutch height from the floor so with my codpiece nestling on the stage floor I had one remaining leg stuck at an angle any double jointed gymnast would be proud of. What made it worse was that a Japanese girl in the front row was staring at me the whole time. So there I remained trying real hard to look like I was supposed to be in that position. All I could think about for the whole of the song, which seemed to go on for ever, (I think Lance even extended the solo - apparently oblivious to what was going on my side of the stage) was that she had travelled all the way from the other side of the world for this spectacle! The 'godlike' stride was reduced to a squat. The pain was excruciating, soothed only after the show by a large bag of cold ice, (and somebody from Manchester)!

On a par with that would be me walking into W.A.S.P.'s dressing room during the 'Fuck Like A Beast' tour', in search of free booze, drugs, or maybe even a groupie cast off - only to come face to face (in the literal sense) with Blackie Lawless's arse all bent over at head height, to me, while he was struggling to pull on some black leggings! I still can't think why he was doing it stood on some flight cases or something.  I am assured he was wearing a 'thong' but jeezuz that piece of string had long since disappeared up the crack of his arse...

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