With 'KAOS' being the title of the debut album from West Country trio Kernuyck we just knew there had to be a few juicy entries lurking in the tour diaries of these Port Isaac madmen that would make for a cracking Gig From Hell piece. Uber Rock hooked up with frontman James Rotheram to get to the bottom of just how unpredicable life can be like around the Cornish Kaos Krew and he came up trumps with a story that would make Clint and Clyde extremely proud. Read on to find out why Kernuyck go Every Which Way But St Austell......
"We've had a few Gigs From Hell to be honest, we spend a lot of time on the road and playing some of the biggest (and smallest) shitholes on the planet but there are a few choice moments that stand out, like the time we drove all the way to Swansea to a gig to find out the promotion had all been done for the wrong band on the wrong day and there was this huge mix-up and the show got pulled, that was rather annoying. Or perhaps the time we played for the Hell's Angels, out in the open air (stupidly with no roof), but it was glorious weather, totally perfect, then this one fucking raincloud literally appeared out of nowhere over the top of this event and it started hammering down with rain, they all ran off to shelter and left us and our equipment (which is live with electricity) to get drowned, we eventually all got dragged into the nearest building after drowning some of our gear beyond repair, only for it to clear the second we were out of it and the sun come out again, couldn't finish the show so packed up and left, once again rather annoyed. Loads of stories with promoters, playing to just the soundman, people fucking things up beyond all hope, but here is the no.1 worst show ever so far...
This was in the early days, we used to play a lot 'round our local area and we had these couple of gigs booked in this music pub called the 'William Cookworthy' which is in the town of St Austell, only about an hour's drive from where we live, first show went great, not a hitch, we got a repeat booking for a weekend slot like the following month, so we are on stage again at the following show, the place is properly packed, everyone's having a blast, then this fucking chain of events begins.
This one idiot decided it would be a good idea to jump on the front of the stage to dance, and be a dick to all of his mates who happened to be in the pub that night. The dumb prick has a beer in each hand and is spilling it all into the monitors and over my footswitchs, so we tried to sort of hint him off, but had to stop and just say "look, we know we all want to have a good time, but can you do it down on the floor cause you're spoiling the show and getting beer all over the stage" so this idiot jumps off, we launch back into the song and up he jumps again, spilling more beer and now starts sloshing the beer over the people in the front row who are clearly not happy about it, we stopped once again, "look, can you please keep off the stage and watch were your beer is going, it's not cool, let's all just have a good time and have fun, ok?", he jumps down again, we start playing once more, a few moments later he's up AGAIN this time spills about half a pint into a monitor, another pint over the crowd and is hooting and being a right dick, so I started to see red now, put my guitar down and went to the mic this time and said "look you retard, get off the stage now, before I throw you off" to which he replies "where's your fucking sense of humour" and I retort "in the car park where I'm gonna take you and give you a hammering if you don't fuck off RIGHT now" the crowd cheers and starts chanting "what a twat" at him or something, this dude's now properly been made to look like a pillock, and I thought that would be the end of it.
Anyway the gig wraps up and we head to the bar for a drink, I'm stood there with Bolt, Dave's just over the way talking to someone, this idiot comes up to me and gets right in my face, I'm hunched over the bar and he gets right in my ear "Why did you make me look like such a cunt in front of all those people?" I said "You did that all by yourself mate, just fuck off and leave me alone." He then started shouting and ranting at me, I stood there and smiled took it all, leaned over to the barman and said "get this prick out of my face before I re-arrange his." I'm still cool, but gradually losing my temper, the barman comes round and asks him to leave, he sorta refuses and goes and sits on a chair in the corner like a spoilt kid still giving it lip whilst my backs to him, I just carry on sipping my pint and brush it off. Next thing is this little chav guy with his nice white roxy t-shirt comes up and prods me on the shoulder, I look at him - "What did you say to my mate? You don't wanna fuck with us, you long haired fag" I said "I told him the same thing as I'm telling you so just fuck off, I'm having a drink, I won't tell you twice." He then steps back, squares up (which was funny he was a right little weed) and punches me just below my left eye. Now I'm 6'2, about 21st and pretty raging now, this was the point where I just lost it. I didn't even flinch as he hit me, he was staring at me, I laughed, said "bad move" and hit this guy square in the nose, his face exploded, his nice new white t-shirt was totally covered in blood and he hit the floor like sack of spuds. Silence fell, I shook the blood off my fist and turned back to the bar, again I thought "right that's that", turn to pick up my drink then all of a sudden, all fucking hell breaks loose! Out of nowhere there is all of a sudden this massive amount of shouting and this full-on bar brawl kicked off, and when I say brawl, have you ever seen those Western movie scenes in the saloon where people are just fucking kicking the crap out of anyone nearest to them, just for the hell of it? It only needed a bit of banjo music and it would have been perfect! I see Bolt launching into this bloke who's going for him, Dave over the other side exchanging blows with some other bloke and I'm in the middle laying people out with big ol' knockout punches, but then I noticed it wasn't just us fighting, it was like everyone!!! Tables, chairs, shoes, bottles, even a crutch goes sprawling! People just randomly hitting each other, I swear there were these two old blokes on the end of the bar on stools, one turns to the other and just pops him square on the forehead and scats him onto the floor! It was mayhem, it all lasted for about 10 mins or so then the sirens started and the blue lights outside, we all just kind of ran out the back. Police came in, everyone left, we grabbed our gear as quick as we could, demanded our money and got the fuck out of there, but you know what the funniest thing is? Not only did we beat up half of their clients, trashed the entire bar area, and walked out unscathed, I swear this is no shit, they only asked us to go back and play again!!!
We didn't play in St Austell much for a while after that, got hell of a reputation as a troublesome band, it took us a long time to shake that, I do regret loosing my temper now, it's not something we are proud of, but fuck me, if you could have been there it was just so ridiculous it was unreal. That has to be our worst gig to date!"
Photo kudos to Zinzi Graham : http://zinzigraham.tumblr.com/