GIG GIGGLES by Zoot : Episode 9 Print E-mail
Written by Paul 'Zoot' Williams   
Sunday, 22 May 2011 05:00

Slayer/Trivium/Mastodon - Cardiff International Arena - 2nd November 2008

 

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Please take a good look at me and Blackmore above. There is a reason why we became as big as this, there is a reason why we took steroids, drank cow's blood for iron, ate whole chickens for breakfast, and watched the repeats of Gladiators every Thursday. There is a reason why I don't get a hard on anymore over Velma out of Scooby-Doo.

 

This is how it goes.......

 

Me, Blackmore, Twin and Stevie J went to Cardiff to watch the kings of thrash again, the mighty Slayer. We arrived about 2 o' clock and started to drink the local beers in all the spit and sawdust pubs we could find (which is not hard to find in Cardiff side streets). We went into this one pub and I started to tell some of my finest jokes and as usual they did not go down very well. I remember the last joke I told was about a man with no arms who asked an ice cream man for an ice cream. The ice cream man said, "What flavour would you like?" and the man with no arms replied "It doesn't matter, I am gonna drop the fucker anyway." Now I thought that was a class joke and so did Blackmore but the rest of the boys just cocked their eyes up in the air. Anyway, after we finished in that pub we went into another one and there was a man stood by the bar with no arms (honest) - we all burst out laughing; it was a message from god.

 

After we left the Thalidomide Arms we went to a gay pub on the corner of chip alley. In we went, one by one tensing our arse cheeks, and went to the bar. A lovely young lady called Malcolm served us all a pint of Brains each and we were all stood by the bar wondering what to say. Blackmore then said that he was going outside for a fag - we all burst out laughing and I said you can have one in here and smoke it as long as you want to. So off he went out for his fag and me and the rest of Satan's children were left by the bar talking to Malcolm. Five mins later Blackmore came back in and said schwarz-i-survived-the-blue-oyster-bar-t-shirts_designthat was his first fag of the day and he felt a bit queer after it....we were all pissing. We decided to have a sit down in the Blue Oyster Club and started looking around at the people in there; it was like a Bob Halford (Judas Priest singer who wears leather peaked hats and loves brown love) reunion. I decided to go and have a piss so I went upstairs and got my little fireman out and started to have a good three pint piss. Suddenly the door opened, I thought "Fuck me, my arse is gonna have a tail stuck on it." In came a man and said hello to me, I said hello back but I was too scared to nod my head coz we all know what that means, don't we? (Have you seen Midnight Cowboy?). Anyway, the man was pissing next to me, I was dying to fart but I was frightened in case he thought I was blowing him a kiss. I held it in, he finished his piss then he went back downstairs so I let my fart rip, it sounded like the mating call of the Wookiee. After I shook him I went back downstairs and the boys were waiting for me to finish my beer. I drank it straight down, headed towards the door and didn't look back (between you and me after a few pints Malcolm was starting to look quite sexy). We went into another pub a bit further down the road and there were only us four in there and I am not surprised at £1.30 a pint. We had another one in there and it was then time to head off to the CIA for my favourite band. We had complimentary tickets thanks to Mr Darrel Sutton so I went to the ticket office and got them, shared them out to the boys and in we went. We went straight to the bar and they were charging £3.50 for a can of John Smith's, the robbing bastards. Anyway, we were in the CIA gulping our beers and the first band came on, Mastodon, and they were fucking awful. We went straight to the bar and got more beers, and more and more, me and Blackmore was cunted, we was ready for a slam, we was John Smithed.

 


The introduction to Velma.

 


The second band, Trivium, came on and started to play their first song, they sounded really good. Me and Blackmore were headbanging while Stevie J and Twin were behind us gripping their beer just in case they spilt £2 worth. The first song had finished and who should come over to us but  Johnny H and his wife Lisa who had spotted us jumping up and down twixand felt at home with us Abertillery clan. Trivium started to play another song and I really wanted them to finish coz I was really up for seeing Slayer. A few songs more and Blackmore wanted another fag and asked me would I like to have one with him inside the CIA....I said what the fuck, so we started to puff away. Blackmore had his fag hidden down but I really didn't give a fuck and had mine in my mouth and my ventolin in my right hand when suddenly there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and a woman who looked like Velma from Scooby-Doo asked me what did I think I was doing and I said "Watching a band, of course." She said that she knew that but me and my friend were smoking. I said "So what?", she then said to me "Get out!" I said "No!" Then all of a sudden from nowhere these two boys who were also security stood by the side of her, they was built like runner beans, a gypsy's whippet, they was the Twix brothers. I was arguing with Velma but she wasn't having any of it, Blackmore said that we didn't know you couldn't smoke in there - "Are you taking the piss?" she replied "There are signs up everywhere." I said that I was dyslexic, she asked again if I was taking the piss (who, me?) and then she asked for our tickets. I told her I'd thrown mine away and Blackmore said the same. "Ok then, get out!" she said and got on her radio and described me and Blackmore to security, telling them what clothes we had on and the colour of our hair. Me and Blackmore were then marched through the crowd by Velma and the Brothers Twix. When she marched us both off she kept pushing my left shoulder and she kept saying "Get out, get out!" After ten or more shoulder shoves I turned around and said to her "I  will get out but stop pushing me all the time or Blackmore will hit you." So there we were, me and Blackmore thrown out of the CIA by Velma and the Brothers Twix - we were gutted, we were gonna miss our favourite band, what a cunt.

 

Opposite side of the CIA is a pub, so me and Blackmore went in there with our tails between our legs and ordered a pint. The woman who owned it asked us both if we were going to see the band in the CIA and I told her not to mention it as it was a sore subject. She asked what had happened so we told her. She was pissing herself laughing and asked us both if we knew that there was a smoking ban on and Blackmore told her that we did but thathat I didn't hide my fag very well (I thought, yeah blame me Blackmore, you twat lol). We had a few more in there and I could hear Slayer calling me - "Zoot, come on, we will be on in 30 mins." I asked the landlady if she had any ideas as to how we could get back into the gig  - she said that she did. Me and Blackmore looked at each other and then looked at the landlady; "What do you have in mind?" we asked. She started laughing and said that she hadn't long had a Halloween party and would we like to wear any of the costumes left over to try and get back in. Me and Blackmore said "Fucking right, we will, we have nothing left to lose" so the kind landlady who was amazed at us both started to bring out some masks and costumes. Me and Blackmore changed tops coz Velma and the Brothers Twix knew what t-shirts we were wearing. I had Blackmore's top on with a witch's hat and a pair of comedy glasses, and Blackmore had my top on with a green wig, cape and a two foot warty nose. The regulars and landlady were pissing in their pants and couldn't believe what we were going to do. As we were going out the pub door everyone shouted good luck and we saluted them all. Me and Blackmore were as big as the Queen's biggest shit in the mornings, we are thrash and we will do anything.

 

We went outside and the crowd was small so we slotted in. We waited about two mins when Blackmore tapped me on the shoulder and said to me "Zoot, do you thinbloodsport_donek we both look suspicious?" I started to piss my pants, I was laughing so much Blackmore started to laugh and it made his two foot nose wobble - it was hysterical, everyone was looking at us but what the fuck. It was the moment of truth as we were next in line to go in - would the witches disguises help us both to get in or, as Blackmore had said, did we look a little too suspicious? I was first and the security man took my ticket and scanned it, then looked at me and said that it said on his scanner that we had already checked in once and wanted to know why we needed to get back in again. I quickly told him that me and Blackmore had gone outside for a fag and Blackmore was agreeing with me, shaking his head up and down whilst holding onto his two foot warty nose so it wouldn't fall off. The security man said "Ok boys, come on in" and in we went, running up the corridor holding our capes around our t-shirts so the Brothers Twix couldn't make out who we were.

 

I was so excited I wanted to go back out to the Blue Oyster Club and finger Malcolm but I had no time for that coz as soon as we went into the main hall Slayer had just came on stage. The crowd was cheering very loudly and I thought it was for me and Blackmore....but it wasn't, it was because Slayer had just burst into one of my favourite songs, 'God Hates Us All.' Me and Blackmore were headbanging our bollocks off, I  was holding onto my trick glasses and Blackmore was holding onto his warty nose and witch's hat. After that song we moved slowly towards the gang and we looked at them, they looked back at us both and startbruce_lee_doneed pissing their pants - they couldn't believe that me and Blackmore had sneaked back in dressed up as witches. I could feel holes burning in the back of my head and it was Velma looking over at us both and I thought here we go again, if she tells me to get out again and starts shoving me on the shoulder I will have to give her a deathblow to the left pissflap (as my older aikido instructor once said "Zoot, a woman with glasses, a kick in the cunt") but then she started to look the other way, our disguises had worked, me and Blackmore had outfoxed her and the Brothers Twix.

 

We all enjoyed the rest of the set by Slayer and then headed out of the CIA. We took off our disguises threw them to the ground and stuck our fingers up at the venue. Outside there was a man selling Slayer hoodies and I asked him if he would swap one for a warty nose but he wasn't having any of it so I ended up buying one from him and still wear it to this very day.

 

So that's the story of why me and Blackmore are this big in these photos. We now both train nine days a week ready for the next CIA concert so we can take on Velma and the Brothers Twix. This is our trainning routine;

 

Mondays - Ju juitsu

Tuesdays - Bullshitsu

Wednesdays - Fisting ferrets (very good wrist exercise)

Thursdays - Watch the repeats of Gladiators

Fridays - Bog snorkling

Saturdays - Power walk to the shop and power walk back with 8 cans

Sundays - Church of Satan


We have a diet of;

Beer; Kebabs; Foo yung; Cheese toasties; Beer; And a half of vitamin tablet each


Zoot's final thought;


When you go to see your favourite band
And get slung out the front door
There's a little pub that will help you back in
The opposite side of the road

 

It's full of masks and witch's hats
But £4.00 for a pint of Stella
We will meet again you four eyed cunt
This ode I wrote for Velma