Nightmare Midnite Mixtape Massacre - The Uber Rock Ghoul Squad Print E-mail
Written by The Uber Rock Ghoul Squad   
Sunday, 28 October 2012 03:00

Nightmare_Mixtape

 

With Halloween now almost upon us, and with the last dying screams from last night's Hellraising musical extravaganza still fresh in our memories, we thought that today would be the perfect time to share with you a Midnite Mixtape with a subtle twist.

 

The sting in the tail this time around is that today's selection of songs is picked by the Uber Rock writing team and instead of celebrating the great in rock music this tape actually celebrates the songs that scare the living daylights out of us for reasons that will become all too apparent.

 

Our writer's brief was simple: Imagine you are trapped in a lift and one song is playing over and over again, it's tones are nauseating to the extreme that you want to tear your ears off rather than hear the song one more time because you hate this song more than anything in this world, now name the song and why you hate it!

 

So insert the C120, press play on your boombox and settle back for a truly horrifying experience as we bring you the Uber Rock Nightmare Midnite Mixtape Massacre - totally uncut.

 

 

1.) 'No More Mr Nice Guy' - Megadeth (from the film soundtrack album 'Shocker') - Mark Ashby
 
I'm not overly enamoured with cover versions at the best of times, and Mustaine has been particularly guilty of producing a few horrendous ones in his time, but this is a particular 'shocker' (sic).  Even the very thought having to endure Dave's drunken snarl destroying Alice's swaggering camp classic and reducing it to a piece of Z Factor commercialised dross makes me cringe at the very prospect of ever getting into a lift again!

 

 

2.) 'D.O.A' - Bloodrock (from the album 'Bloodrock 2') - Jason Baker

 

I'll reach back across the sands of time to 1971 for my selection and a clumsy gimmick song by a one-hit wonder Fort Worth, Texas garage band going by the name of Bloodrock that caught on as a cult favourite because radio stations wanted something horror-themed for Halloween broadcasts.

I didn't pick this track because it has the spooky theme of bodies in a wreck, nor did I choose it because it is out-of-tune noise masquerading as music. I chose it because it is just a putrid example of amateurish musical Limberger by a band who got signed before they learned how to play. Honourable mention goes to 'Follow Me' by Uncle Kracker which has haunted in both elevators and supermarkets periodically since it's release.

 

 

November_Rain3.) 'November Rain' - Guns N' Roses (from the album 'Use Your Illusion') - Ian Bell

 

On receiving the instruction from Uber HQ to provide a few words on my own musical nightmare tune I struggled to think of a song or band to fit the brief, I thought of umpteen songs but would have only been accused of being biased and doing more Kiss bashing or being negative about 60's/Beatles tinged bands ala Enuff of Z Sgt Peppers and was resigned to letting the boss's of the Uber family down.

 

How could I have forgotten the one song that above all others represents what went so horribly wrong with the rock scene at the tail end of the 80's and early 90's allowing a free run for grunge to dominate?  I mean what song gave you the most over the top money wasting video with air guitar playing in the middle of a desert and the ego involved thinking the ending of the song should go on for over two minutes on the back of an already unnecessarily long slab of boredom? Of course it can be only one song so ladies and gents I give you the one and only 'November Rain'.

 

This song for me marked the death of one of the most dangerous and exciting bands the world had seen in decades, I was fortunate to have seen the classic 'Appetite' line up and in the process be completely blown away (with only a few hundred others) at the Manchester Apollo, and in all honesty had only gone to see Faster Pussycat. I was also there for the infamous Donington appearance in '88 when they were taking the world by storm and exciting a generation, rather regrettably though I was also at Wembley Stadium in 1991 and the band had already started to turn into a bloated egotistical vehicle for Axl playing over the top tedium better known as radio friendly stadium rock, and about as dangerous and exciting as Sooty and Sweep.  How could something so good turn out so bad? Oh yeah, I remember - the dictator started believing his own propaganda, and silly question maybe but how is he still insulting and showing no respect to his fans in arenas all over the world as Axl and the Kens pretend to be Guns n' Roses? Someone care to answer that one for me?

 

The only good thing to come from this song would have to be French and Saunders parody, as for once they were actually quite funny. As for the original it's an automatic prompt to channel hop as soon as it starts to play on any music video channel or turn the volume down when coming out of the radio speakers.

 

 

4.) 'Alive' - Pearl Jam (from the album 'Ten') - Matt Blakout

 

This particular song epitomised the end of everything I loved, not only with regards to the music but also the relationship I was in at the time. Having spent the whole previous five years listening to the same music released in the mid to early eighties, it was just the nail in the music and relationship coffin. I was working on market stalls at the time and obviously getting up on wet black, cold winter mornings and being subjected to Eddie Vedder's droning tones on the journey to wherever it was we were heading, it was very difficult to endure and indeed heralded a life change, I would very often wish that Mr Vedder wasn't "still alive" - horrific! 

 

 

5.) 'Living On A Prayer' - Bon Jovi (from the album 'Slippery When Wet') - Nev Brooks

 

What a conundrum, everybody knows how much I loathe prog rock, so needless to say you would expect me to throw in some of the usual culprits like Yes, Pink Floyd or any number of modern day throwbacks, but no hold your horses for a moment.  There is actually something and someone who has produced a track that immediately sends me reaching straight for the off button, the artist Bon Jovi, the track 'Living on a Prayer', it sums up everything I hate about feel good American arena rock, from the stupid "Whoa, Whoas" that starts it up, through to the arena shout out chorus, Definitely music for the brain dead masses.

 

I challenge anyone to explain why the pseudo, life story should appeal to anyone with any IQ, - life just isn't like that!!!! What's worse, is it probably set the blueprint to be picked up by Nickelback, who were too stupid to see that Bon Jovi had ripped off the sentiment from Springsteen in the first place, who is someone else who came close to inclusion.

 

 

Muse6.) 'Feeling Good' - Muse (from the album 'Origin of Symmetry') - Craggy

 

Not only because it's a shit band producing a shocking, whiny cover of a once great song, but also because its sonic pestilence is spread to my ears every time I stick on the stinking TV. I have no idea what cheap shit it is helping to peddle because my skin crawls all over my body until it carries me out of the room before I can witness it. I suppose in that way it's doing me a favour, but this audacious attempt to add some depth to a band suitable for nothing more than the centre pages of Kerrang! makes the endless conveyor belt of twee cover songs adorning car adverts seem reasonably palatable.

 

 

7.) 'Phantom Of The Opera' (live) - Iron Maiden (from the album 'Live After Death') - Dom Daley

 

In order to keep this on topic I resisted the temptation to put some Phil Collins abomination or other as my choice and instead decided to sift through some metal tosh to pick a track that was both on topic and also utter shite, and boy was there a plethora of dross to pick from. But really there was no better place to look than within the back catalogue of Steve Harris and his fantasy filled drivel, with more time changes than humanly acceptable.  I know there is a lot of love for the Maiden on Uber Rock but I can live with my choice and offer up this seven minute plus piece of excrement with relative ease.  For fucks sake even the fact that it lasts so bloody long is bad enough, but Harris drilling his digits to the strings on his bass like its going out of fashion whilst the guitarists widdle and diddle their way through a minefield of time changes beggars belief.  You know what I wish?  It's that the Phantom Of The Opera was in fact real and then he could go over to Harris towers and drag him off to some dungeon somewhere just to dance around him you understand, and then we could sleep safe in the knowledge that there would be no more playing with madness or numbering of the beast inflicted on us ever again.

 

I actually picked a live version I found on iTunes purely because it has Bruce 'the air-raid siren' Dickinson singing it in all his pompous wailing and screeching glory.  Harris once said of this song, "'Phantom' is one of the best pieces I've ever written, and certainly one of the most enjoyable to play. It's got all these intricate guitar lines, which keep it interesting. Then there's the slow middle part, which creates quite a good mood. It's also got fast heavy parts, which are really rockin'. And it's also got areas for crowd participation. It pretty much covers all the bases".  

 

Well sorry Mr Harris sir but it only really covers one base and that's the boring, smart arse, fretboard wankery, shit and utterly uninspiring base.

 

Give me Andrew Lloyd Webber's version any day of the week and that's shit as well.  I also found out whilst researching this that if you rip this version of the track on Windows media player the file size is 66.6 megabytes exactly now go shit the bed ya metal muthas.

 

 

8.) 'Chasing Cars' - Snow Patrol (from the album 'Eyes Open') - Gaz E

 

Eyes Open? More like ears shut whenever this heaving monstrosity o' bore rock plods its way into my life like a turd tsunami.

 

"In 2009 the PPL announced 'Chasing Cars' as the most widely played song of the decade in the UK." Do you know why? Because Valleys fucking Radio, a local station that had about fourteen useless songs in its 'music library', played this bastard song as least twice an hour every day of the fucking week. If you've ever worked in a place where the radio is tuned to a particular station and left there to rot itself to death in electrical despair then you'll understand how my lugholes got lumbered with this coma in song form.

 

I could just about handle its boring self when it turned up in an episode of Gavin & Stacey, but when it ram-raided my every waking moment I was well on the way to booking a Dignitas short break. The groans that met the song's inevitable appearance every two cunting minutes, or so it seemed, weren't just from me - everyone got sick and tired of this insipid piece of snore alt pop that no doubt provided many a stinking student with the soundtrack to a fumbled coming together with a similarly desperate tax dodger under a crumpled Kurt Cobain poster.

 

Then something beautiful happened, something that is generally the stuff of dreams. The shitty radio station shut down! Just like that! One day it was there, spinning this blandest of band's brain-sapping and soul-crushing aural excrement, the next it disappeared without a fucking trace; the only sign that it had ever been around at all being a couple of photographs of Colins and Judiths crying on the front of the local paper outside the now-defunct radio station HQ...oh yeah, and me running around laughing my cock off at the misfortune of others who had heaped misfortune on me for what seemed like aeons with this shithouse of a song.

 

So, I never had to listen to the song again.

 

Kinda.

 

My mother-in-law came to my humble abode, greeted by my usual warm welcome (a grunt without even bothering to take my headphones off), and she seemed so pleased with herself. She had a "snazzy" new mobile phone, y'see. "Listen to the snazzy song I have as the ringtone on my snazzy new mobile phone," she said. No prizes for guessing what the song was. "That is the worst song, ever, in the history of music, humanity, and the known world," was how my reply sounded. Didn't go down too well.

 

'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol: killer of radio stations, destroyer of marriages

 

 

Rocky_Horror9.) 'The Time Warp' - Original Cast Recording (from the album 'The Rocky Horror Show') - Johnny H

 

Having thought long and hard about this one, and in the process discarded such heavy-duty yet easy target contenders as Megadeth, Meat Loaf and Marillion (and that was just the M's folks). I suddenly had a flash of Halloween themed inspiration that left just two real contenders for my selection. 

 

My immediate thought was actually to go with Iron Maiden's truly horrendous 'Fear Of The Dark' live at Castle Donington from 1992, which was probably the single most fast forwarded video in the entire history of 'Headbangers Ball' and 'Noisy Mothers' in my household.  Then however I suddenly remembered a track that made me physically wretch every time it was aired at the original Bogiez nightclub in Cardiff, a tune that would suddenly have the whole club doing this horrible ritualistic dance called 'The Time Warp'. Now that really is the absolute pits, a rock club playing and the audience dancing to - fucking show tunes!!!!

 

To me both tunes are as equally nauseating, each in their own very special way, but Richard O'Brien and his team of cross dressing "let's put the show on right here" Glee kids of the seventies just edge it as I've also always thought that the film the stage show also spawned to be a pile of pretentious bollocks too, and in Maiden's defence they just became that (pretentious bollocks) when Bruce Dickinson joined them.

 

 

10.) 'Halloween' - Mudhoney (from the album 'Superfuzz Bigmuff') - Jo Hayes

 

Whatever I like about Mudhoney is questioned whenever this song pops up on the stereo. Easily the Kings of Grunge over Nirvana, this five minute, repetitive jam session, surely strips them of their crown (and rightly so).

 

The mellow, downbeat tempo bares no resemblance to other gems on the album ('Hate The Police'/ 'Touch Me I'm Sick'), and should have been left on the cutting room floor (or recycling bin in this day and age).

 

If you own an Ipod, you can delete or uncheck this to avoid any aural dissatisfaction. If this is on CD, you might have to take your chances and have your finger ready on the stop button. Vinyl? You might hope there is a deep scratch over the precise point of this song.

 

File it under: "Room 101 - Utterly Crap Jam Sessions - Do Not Unleash Upon Unwitting Persons."

 

 

No_Prayer_For_The_Dying11.) 'Holy Smoke' - Iron Maiden (from the album 'No Prayer For The Dying') - Ben Hughes

 

I love everything Maiden did up to 'Live After Death' then things started to go downhill, and this song was the final nail in the coffin of the Iron Maiden for me. I hate everything about it, from the awful lyrics to the oh so re-hashed twin lead riffs to Bruce's vocals that here sound forced and with no power, like a caricature of his former self going through the motions (no wonder he jumped ship a few years later). There is no feeling in the guitar solos, it's all filler and no killer. All summed up by a cheesy video featuring Bruce singing in a field of yellow flowers, Steve Harris on a tractor and Dave Murray playing his guitar solo standing in a stream in a pair of wellies. Here they are a band that sound lost and out of ideas and this song for me is like a broken pencil...pointless.

 

 

12.) 'My Generation' - Limp Bizkit (from the album 'Chocolate Starfish And The Hot Dog Flavored Water') - Chris O

 

I know, I know, it's not very original to pick on Limp Bizkit.  This is a band once voted the second most hated band on the planet behind miming Europop freaks Milli Vanilli after all. But when I was asked to write a paragraph on my most hated song, this butt-nugget of a song immediately sprang to mind and I just couldn't shift it; and for very good reasons.  

 

Firstly, Limp Bizkit remind me of a time when the world of rock was in turmoil.  In the days before Uber Rock, I relied on magazines, MTV and Kerrang TV to look for new music and Limp Bizkit were on a perma-loop at the time.  For reasons that I still can't explain, I bought the 'Chocolate Starfish' album and this song is a stark reminder of my shame.

 

The next reason is Fred Durst.  Arrogance and confidence are desirable traits for any legendary frontman and you can't accuse old Freddie of lacking here.  It becomes a problem when you combine these with the voice of a sulking teenager and the world's most punchable head.  Man alive, that bloke has got one hell of a punchable head.

 

So why this song in particular?  Well Mr Durst does curse a lot on this track.  It's not that I'm a prude, I like a good old swear as much as the next cunt, but it's the way he swears that I take umbrage with.  He says every 'shit' and 'fuck' like a 10 year old who's just realised he can get a rise out of his parents from saying it.  Dude, if you can't swear casually then don't do it at all.

 

Plus all that turntable, rap-metal crossover crap of course.  Only Anthrax and Public Enemy are allowed to do that.

 

 

13.) 'Light My Fire' - The Doors (from their self-titled debut) - Russ P

 

"And our love become a funeral pyre". That's a song about burning witches right? What an awful crime that was. But not as bad as the criminal rhyme used in these lyrics by Morrison the mystic poet. Morrison the owner of a Collins Rhyming Dictionary more like. Why this most revered song douses my own libido is largely because this ode to taking the skin boat to tuna town is melodically flat and colourless. Morrison doesn't sound seductive to me. He sounds bored, drunk or doped. Maybe that's why he needs his baby to work harder to light his fire - one ale too many.

 

 

Queen_Jazz14.) 'Bicycle Race' - Queen (from the album 'Jazz') - Matt Phelps

 

I have hated this song for as long as I can remember and as I was only 3 when it was originally released I think it's a claim I can stand by with a fair amount of conviction. A nightmare song stitched together from a collection of quirky Frankenstein parts that together form the most hideously ugly 3 minutes of "music" ever put to tape. Nothing makes me retch quicker than the way the sickly sweet, supposedly playful chorus rubs up against the rougher, snappy verse while systematically twisting closer towards a destination of ultimate tweeness. Eccentricity of the worst kind paired with Beatles-like elements of experimentation such as the mid section bell solo. I don't think you'll come across another example of bells being used in such an unappealing manner anywhere other than in the world of Morris dancing and there is good reason for this. It can't really be described as sounding like anything other than a passing parade of epileptic lepers. This cringe-worthy cacophony brings out my inner Pavlov's dog every single time that monotonous ringing reaches my ears resulting in my skin crawling within seconds.

 

Single redeeming quality - The video.

 

 

15.) 'Hard To Handle' - The Black Crowes (from the album 'Shake Your Moneymaker') - Dave Prince

Now I know a lot of people love The Black Crowes and to a certain extent so do I, but this song is the reason I dislike cover bands, and throughout my time spent in Tonypandy Naval club (ask Gaz I'm sure he'll tell you a story or two...) it seemed every band played this as an encore/crowd pleaser. It then seemed to die off for a while. But lo and behold a couple of bands have pulled it out from the closet recently and it's once again back out there to torment me and I will forever blame the Crowes for this abomination.

 

 

16.) 'Unskinny Bop' - Poison (from the album 'Flesh & Blood) - Jamie Richards

 

A fan of Barcelona FC once held aloft a banner at an 'el-classico' match, aimed at Luis Figo, then recently departed to arch rivals Real Madrid, that declared in all its' passion "we hate you so much-because we loved you so much". That is the only explanation I can give for my feelings toward Poison, and at least a dozen or so other bands (Warrant anyone?) from that forgettable era of 'hair music' in the late eighties. Not that I ever loved them you understand, but the sheer love that I do feel for music that touches me is so monumental, and is such an important part of my life, that it is almost inevitably counter balanced by what I can only describe as disgust and hatred toward this sort of tawdry bilge.

 

I quite distinctly remember the confusion and frustration I would display back then when friends would listen to what I can only describe as the worst sort of pointless, throwaway, mainstream pleasing crap imaginable. 'Unskinny Bop' is top of my list for songs that make me want to kick and stamp on a radio whenever it's played, but there is also a steady stream of others that I won't go into here ('Cherry Pie' anyone?-Urghh!!!). I admit that as little as six months ago a very good friend of mine invited me along to his local pub where he and some others were performing during an 'open-mic' night, and as I approached the door I could hear that they were already in full flight and knackers deep into a version of the Poison 'classic' 'Every Rose Has its' Thorn', and (sorry Paul!) I walked straight on by, shuddering as I went, such is the discomfort such songs bring to me.

 

 

Animal_Attraction17.) 'Hot'  - Reckless Love (from the album 'Animal Attraction') - Jim Rowland

 

Hmmm, Halloween. A night of ghoulish, devilish and hellish nightmares. Bon told us that hell ain't a bad place to be, but look what happened to him. I reckon hell would be a bad place to be. For a start it's hot. In fact it's probably hot like California.

 

I've only got myself to blame. I was complicit in the supply of the offending (and offensive) article to someone very close to me as a Christmas present last year. The article in question is a CD of 'Animal Attraction' by Finnish glam metal merchants Reckless Love. Sure they look very 80's hair metal, the chicks love all that (I hate it), but how bad can it be? They're glam and from Finland, so were Hanoi Rocks and I grew up adoring them, and it's on her Christmas list, so the deed is done.

 

For the next two months I'm subjected to this album on a daily basis and it's quite unbelievable. If this band were sitting an exam, they would be instantly disqualified for the most blatant display of plagiarism in the history of mankind. Throughout this album they indiscriminately rip off hooks from so many bands I'm losing count - Bon Jovi, Van Halen and Def Leppard instantly spring to mind, but please don't make me listen to it again to remember the others. The main offender is a track simply titled 'Hot'. It's bad enough the first time, but after the twentieth, I'm seriously ripping out the small amount of hair I have left on my head in utter despair. You call that rock music?? Fuck off - I can see orange skinned chavs seriously freaking out to this in a shitty nightclub in Faliraki. It's crap pop dance music with auto-tuned vocals and disgusting keyboard sounds.  Simon Cowell would love this. For a band to serve up this turgid shit in the name of rock is frankly offensive. Lyrically, the plagiarism is in full force - "hot, hot, hotter than hell", (where have I heard that before?), and Diamond Dave's been turned over with "crazy from the heat". As for "that sexy Scandinavian, in bikini, smoking 'n' steaming", now that is an original lyric, but only because no band has stooped so low as to come up with shite like that before. The worst part is when the euro-disco mock rock music stops for singer Olli Herman to sing an acapella "she's hot like California" in his irritating auto-tuned voice. It makes we want to shove his green cowboy boots where the sun don't shine.

 

Michael Monroe should give these guys a serious spanking for tarnishing the reputation of Finnish rock music he's spent his career building up. Reckless Love, for crimes against rock music, you can GO TO HELL. But take your sunscreen, coz it's hot like California. 

 

 

18.) 'Plug In Baby' - Muse (from the album 'Origin Of Symmetry') - Darrel Sutton

 

Before metalcore gave me something new to hate there was a particularly fetid sound that came forth at the turn of the millennium which made me want to gouge people's (well one person in particular as you'll soon see) eyes out more than any other.  Every time I hear that shitty lightweight guitar doodle intro. Every time I hear Matt Bellamy's fucking excruciating nasal whine. Every time I hear the weakest rhythm section on earth........... I want to fucking kick every single fucking tooth out of the three gangly cunts mouths.  Some people hold them up as the saviours of modern music, some misguided fuckwits put Matt Bellamy (personally I think his dwarf brother Craig must be able to pen a better tune than him) on the front cover of guitar mags. Me? I'd put the fucker on the front of a Mack truck and drive it into a wall. I wouldn't wish this song on my worst enemies. Fucking wank.

 

 

Moving_Pictures19.) 'Tom Sawyer' - Rush (from the album 'Moving Pictures') - Kim Thore

 

Yes, I know I am insulting Canada, prog rock aficionados, and the legions of middle aged men running around in faded RUSH tee shirts who just love the deep and meaningful lyrical content of this band, BUT Geddy Lee's squirrel inhaling helium vocals make my inner ears bleed on queue. The first 17 seconds are decidedly deceiving b/c you think you may just get by with Lee talking the lyrics and then he sails into that Miljenko Matijevic tonal quality that only dogs in other countries can hear. The indulgent, "let's all play our instruments really fast and furious showing off every chop we learned in High School" break in the middle just makes me want the CD to eject from the player by the sheer will of the Rock Gods.

 

I'll never get the 4 minutes and 39 secs back when I first heard the song, or the thousands of times since that I have been forced by some fan to listen to it so I could TRULY understand the brilliance of Rush. Add in the egos, bad hair, kimono period and the trifecta of total absurdity and then file this one way, way away where no one will have to run to the otolaryngologist for an ear transplant.

 

 

20.) 'Lonely, Cryin, Only' - Therapy? (from the album 'Semi-Detached') - Attila Timár   


Therapy? did not make a bad move for years: changing release from release, they always delivered, even when they seemed to dabble in drugs and moustachio a bit too much (like with the experimental 'Infernal Love'). All this just made this ditty all the more shocking, because, frankly, here Andy sounds like a second rate Roy Orbison, with even the song-title having been nicked from the lyrics of the old crooner. Uber-drummer Fyfe Ewing might have salvaged something from this wreck, had he still been around. At this time the crew was clearly going nowhere fast:  just like the whole 'Semi-Detached' record, this song must have left most T? fans baffled and unsatisfied. I really had to put on 'Totally Random Man' to remind me of their abandoned brilliance.

 

 

21.) 'The Number Of The Beast' - Iron Maiden (from the album of the same name) - Rob Watkins

 

As a young metalhead back in the day the first two Iron Maiden albums (or records as it was back then) really screamed at me musically with classic tunes filled to the vinyl rafters throughout both releases.  However following this duo of albums and the replacement of frontman Paul Di'Anno with Bruce Dickinson we then had the global phenomenon era of the Iron's - something that is still strong and growing to this very day.  Now this was obviously the correct decision for the band to make with the circumstances surrounding Di'Anno's health and even though I admire Maiden to this day for their musical achievements now 30 years later and in my aged warped wisdom my feelings around the music of Iron Maiden since 1981-1982 have become distressed and hellish and in my mind the band have never created an album to match 'Iron Maiden' or 'Killers' and all the nightmarish "what ifs" still run through my mind from time to time and for me this has to go right back to 'The Number Of The Beast'....666 indeed.......

 

 

metallica_the_day22.) 'The Day That Never Comes' - Metallica (from the album 'Death Magnetic') - Ross Welford

 

It all started long ago, in a town where time seemed to stand still.  The magic beings - the elders - stood there looking cool and troublesome as they shared me an approving glance, they walked past to reveal what I could not stop looking at................ the awesomeness of their school bags.

 

Yes, it seems a long time ago now but when I was a mere whippersnapper of a boy - that lad with the Megadeth nuclear badge, his mate with the ever stupendous Suicidal Tendencies 'Join The Army' back patch and their freaky mate with his Metal Up Your Ass, 'Kill 'Em All' and 'Creeping Death' patches were a sight to behold. I realised that my love for heavy metal music was already underway and whilst you'll generally read my reviews of sleazy glam, this music became my first great escape, and the love, care and attention to detail that these larger than life bands seemed to put into everything was impressive enough for me to investigate it all.

What's my point of this rambling? I get it - I get the roots of metal, I understand Zeppelin and Deep Purple, I get the whole NWOBHM and its inception, thrash, glam, punk, nu metal, stoner etc etc, I don't have to like it all but my point is that I know and recognise artists development, their place in history and the reasoning for them being so big and popular.
I could have chosen Maiden's 'Number Of The Beast' (tiresome), Priest's 'United' (metal?) or Bon Jovi's 'Living On A Prayer' (where do I start?) but no, it's far worse than that.

It's Metallica.

I think it's simply the point where I felt let down, the point at which I'd leave them to be a memory of genius and the point where they would no longer get my cash (OK, strictly speaking they didn't get my cash for a stolen copy of 'Creeping Death' but you get my point). Long ago '..........And Justice For All' had become a tape that got played to death by me and although I, like everybody else, bought 'The Black Album', the rot had already set in and I went elsewhere for my cheap thrills of thrash and metal.

But then a few years back they said it had all changed..............and oh how we all wanted it to be true.

I was promised back to roots quality.
I was promised no more radio friendly 'hits'
I was promised Rick Rubin would sort out their issues.
I was promised the Metallica of old.

What did I get?
'Death Magnetic'.
And what song in particular really grits my shit?
'The Day That Never Comes'.

Fuck off. The whole thing just annoys me. The start is quiet frankly boring and it's one which they've pretty much played before - so it's recycled shite. The video with its political "edge", Lars Ulrich's babblings about the video and its "true" meanings - don't babble, just tell us simply. Robert Trujillo going from a funked up quality Suicidal Tendencies/Infectious Grooves band to a bended knee goon. This song is 8 minutes and 25 seconds long and it pains me that they were once so bloody good. Hetfield is singing tunefully at the start - I know! Singing!!! What's that all about? Fucking growl you cunt, sing it like a man with his balls being eaten by a hyena - yeah, it's painful but it's your job. We get to four minutes and I'm thinking maybe, just maybe they're going to pull this out of the bag and just shred, but no we get to the bile of my hatred.....the one single thing that I cannot stand about this song above all else. The lyric and delivery of "love is a four letter word."

 

Well done James, so it is.

 

But so is shit, crap, poor, wank and done and quiet frankly, I think I have been.......... along with everyone else.

 

Throw in a bit of Thin Lizzy guitar work (actually I could have chosen Whiskey In The Jar too!)  and let Lars go overboard on snare and we've got a pile of dross so shite that Kirk's little solo at 7 minutes odd is far too late to wake me from my coma..

At that point, I simply walked away...................I think Newsted was right all along.

 

 

Unhappy listening and Happy Halloween!!!!!!